A ‘Thank You’ Note to The Past

Recording Date: 20th of August 2018

Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico. Subject’s Residence

Static noise filling up the room, I listen intently, a pencil is ready on my fingers to make some notes. This should be interesting. The subject has been under my surveillance for almost 20 years. A couple days ago, the Master decided to finally took her in, re-recruited, He said. This will be painful. The re-recruitment always is, not many of them survive. But I have placed my bet, this one will. My partner on the other side is nagging on my back. Well, if she won’t make it, the other one won’t be too. A lot of risks. But can’t lose hope. *Sending executed command, this one needs to be interfered. Go on, Girl, make your remark.

I can hear her voice crackling. The connection to the dark-world is too strong at the moment, let’s hope she makes it.

“I know that you were wondering what day it was and why were you waking up alone, or why you are very far away from everything. But I am here for you, I am the voice inside of your head. You will try to push me away at the beginning, but I am real, and I am inevitable. The other voices that dominating your head right now, are the bad voices, your archenemy’s, your demon’s, you have to stop listening to them. I know you recognize me, it is very important that you are listening to me, the next 10 minutes is going to be crucial. Can you focus on me?

No no no, you are not going to reach for the drawer and pull your Swiss Army. You are going to listen to me. Stop crying, the sounds will muffle mine. Please, listen to me.

Oh no, please.

All right, look. Put the knife back and sit down for a while.

I am bringing you the news from the future. I know today is one of the hardest days of your life. You feel like everything is fleeting and no one will ever stay anymore. You are losing control, because you are already have none. You have completely lost your trust, to everyone including yourself. I understand you. I know you. But this, that, is not the way. Please put the knife away. Yes, I understand you have a lot of questions, I cannot answer all of them at once in the middle of these noises, and I do not have much time. My dear, you have to live on, not only for yourself nor for your family, nor your closest friends. Someone needs you to be alive. His existence is alongside of yours, if you’re gone, then he would perish too.

Please don’t.

No, no, that is not true. Someone will love you back, much bigger than you love yourself. Someone will make you feel like everything is worth the wait, he will complete you; your unfinished sentences, your unsaid feelings. This, all of this crap misery, the icky feelings, it will go away the second you hear his voice.

Yes, he is the voice you are always expecting for. I am not lying. Oh God, please, I am as real as you. *Also, do it vertically, the horizontal slit will not make do* OKAY, SORRY, YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING VERY STUPID RIGHT NOW. See, I know you want to live.

Breathe. Listen, it will take time for him to arrive in your life, but he will. The second you know him, you’ll know he is the man of your dream. He’ll surprised you, you know, popping out of nowhere and everything will start to make sense. And by then, you’ll understand everything that you currently don’t. All those circulating corrupting yet coruscating confusions, it will be very much clearer by then. You will be among the people who truly care about you, and he, he will be one of them.

No, no, you are worth every drop of love. You are not damage. You’ll discover yourself, hell! you can re-invent yourself. Yes, please, trust me, this is unbelievable, but he stays all the way even after you told him everything about you. No, you are not difficult, you are particular, and he is too, but he is capable to handle you. Have some faith in me. Look, my time to go is getting closer. I want you to stop, PLEASE STOP, no, see you are bleeding.

CRAP, that’s deep.

And you are not losing power, you just need to break, need to leak, be leaked, be broken, My Darling, so that the new love can get in. Please. You have to be patient, not long from now, pain will no longer this scary. I promise you, I promise you.

Good, put the knife away. Okay.

Phew, okay, good girl. Now, look at me, we need to jump start your head, expel the voices momentarily. Hold your wrist then in 3..2..1, SCREAM!”

That was a close call.

A small goosebumps let loose on my back, the report from the dark-world seems to show that they are very upset about her survival. I just hope the ‘Front’ could take care of the retaliations until she is ready. The Front are those who are already received their true mission, those who are already have years of on hand experiences dealing with the dark-world. Nothing gets through them. Master taught them closely, so they can impart wisdom to the new agents.

The Master gave His signal to initiate the recruitment process for the other one a couple hours ago. Wow, someone is going to have a hell of the time. The Tech Department has also been instructed to start the connection program. I heard the breaking process is through their heart again. These days the process is always directly through the heart, poor creatures. I hope he survives, both are promising agents for the missions.

Kind of difficult these days to find good agents, while the dark-world no longer recruiting, they are now receiving abundant volunteers for they are growing. Moreover, it is difficult to find the Scissions, those who are destined to be in this path in pairs. Rare breeds, been decades we don’t have them. Lately, either one survived or both perished. But generally, the agents are forged since they’re young. Still a ‘crash course’ models compared to their predecessors’. Crash-er and crash-er each day. We are running out of time.

My job is to supervise the process and report to the Master if something went south. I do not deal with the dark-world directly, but I do handle the Front members temporarily until they are ready to be on their own. The Fronts are the chosen(s), not all agents are capable to be one. The qualities of the Fronts are particular, unique, distinguish. Master handpicked them by Himself. We at the office always joke about the Fronts, they are quite the funny people. Born to be front. The Fronts are always the Scissions, but not all Scissions could be The Front. So you can imagine, the Fronts are the rarest of all.

Recording Date: 4th of January 2019

Location: Jakarta, Indonesia — Albuquerque, New Mexico — Mission HQ.

Kind of chaotic at the office today, I did not know that Master has decided to re-recruit the other one a couple days ago. I was still hungover from new year’s big feast. All the group members are on the clock today. I myself need to take an over-time tonight, my beloved wife and the kids just have to understand. My subject is not fine, she has not eaten anything substantial since three days ago, the armory department is pissed, their three months investment went on the drain. So many executed commands,the Fronts are on fire, the dark-world is on their strong hold. Many supports delivered from the underworld, they are loved.

This won’t be as chaotic if the ‘IT guys’ inform me earlier about their “timely connection program” I do roll my eyes right now, if I have five pairs of them, I’ll roll them all. Those over-privileged critters! They’re putting in a new program without my consent. Well, okay, they said the superiors agreed on the trial, but as a supervisor, I should be notified. The newly formed Scissions are already strong even before connected, this thing should be anticipated carefully. I like the old traditional way, no acceleration at all.

But Master was smiling at me. I hold my angers. If it is His will, then it is mine. We are not supposed to question the superiors.

Recording Date: 9th of February 2019

Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico. Subject’s Office

The storms are mostly passed, she is now under her training preparation, moving too fast, needs some brake. Very young, over eager, erratic, impulsive, ambitious, control freak, over thinker, good canvas but needs a lot of fine tuning. She needs to learn to stop clinging to the past, her very own weakness. She thinks her strong memory is her power, it’s not, it’s the hole where the dark-world works its way into her mind.

But I have faith, she will be ready before the battle, hopefully. *fingers crossed

All right.

Subject is healthier, still quite skinny, the body alteration still not match completely. A new weapon inserted into both, both responding satisfyingly. Need to notify the armory department about this, need to accelerate the adjustment before May 2019. Subject starts to accept her role, but progress is slow, which is good so that the whole process is fulfilled. I am just afraid the time won’t be enough. Master told me not to worry.

My job is easier now, no longer need to send shortcut command to execute the unfinished business. Things roll as it is supposed to be. Master was right, she is getting stronger as he is. They need to be together. What a lucky pair of Scissions. Two blessed little oceans.

I love my job. *Pushing play button.

Her voice resonates the room

“I screamed, I rolled out of the shower, I reached for some cloth to cover my bleeding wrist. I was saved. I slid on the floor and I cried my heart out. I called a friend of mine to take me to the counseling center. I was committed for seven days. I am fine now.

And he has arrived, and the message that I received has proven to be true. So today, I want to dedicate my gratitude for you, my past-self. Thank you, for listening to that little voice in your most futile hour. Thank you for keep on moving although questions nag your patience.

I am smiling again, I feel loved again, I feel very much all right. Every poem, every love songs, every longing, is now make sense, bear meaning. And none of this would have happened without you. Thank you for holding your pain close to your heart. Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for letting go. Thank you for emptying yourself. Thank you for believing in this little weird world. Thank you for every effort you took to fix me. I am almost done.

But with this, I also have to let you go. I need to let you free. Let you absolve into me, the present me. The slit scar will always be here but, you, you need to go. And I know you cannot wait to be free. So, here, today, I am granting you your freedom.”

Yes, necessary. Let’s hope she really is saying goodbye.

Recording date: 18th February 2019 — Closing

Location: Mission HQ — Location’s detail undisclosed.

The Master seems very concern and happy at the same time. I secretly feel the mixed excitement. They are one of His favorites. Of course. The whole group are His favorite.

“I have received the complete records. Mission is completed, no need new entry, it’s the time for new sub-chapter, the subject has done her task. She is now ready to be processed to the next level. Yes, Master, I think she is ready for her training. Yes, they have acknowledged each other’s presence. Should I make my introduction to them now? All right, noted, I will do it three months from now. Thank you, Master. I can’t wait to see them. The armory is sustained. The bodies are match with the weapons. Now we just have to wait for their will to catch up.

Yes I know, Master. I can feel the battle is closing in, I can feel it in my skin. But hopefully, they will be ready before it happens. I know. As they grow stronger, their suitors from the dark-world will also be. I will keep on close monitoring.”